I Don't Know You Anymore
by xfool
Summary: Harm and Mac reconcile...set three years in the future


**Title:**  I Don't Know You Anymore

**Author: **xfool

**Disclaimer: **Not mine…never will be…the song is borrowed from Savage Garden

**Notes: **This is an AU fic and a songfic…I know the ending is kinda cheesy but Harm and Mac deserve some happiness right now…and _{""}_ means that it is a phone convo

**I would like to visit you for a while**

**Get away and out of this city**

**Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break**

Three years had passed since the events in Paraguay.  Three years since she told him no more.  Three years since she broke her own heart.  Three long years.  He was recruited by the CIA, she became the JAG.  He legalized his marriage, she never married.  Out of some longing for the past she searched for his number, long since changed, and new address.  She heard about the wedding, the new house, the baby from various coworkers but she never gave a damn.  Until now.

            What she thought was between her and Clay turned out to be nothing.  Just a long string of failures.  He knew that he would never have her heart and she knew that he would never allow himself to let go completely to make the failed attempt at a failed relationship.

            Yes, she wanted to take away the pain she had caused him.  She wanted to take back the words she said.  Undo her actions.  But she couldn't.  She hoped, to herself, that he wouldn't be home; that they had an answering machine.  It was the cowardly way out, she knew, but she didn't know what to say to him.

**We can go sit on your back porch**

**Relax**

**Talk about anything**

**It don't matter**

**I'll be courageous if you can pretend you've forgiven me**

Her shaking fingers dialed his number.  One ring…two…three…She closed her eyes.  She was about to hang up when she heard his voice.

            _{"Hello?"}_

She took a steadying breath.  "Hi Harm."

            _{"Mac?  Is something wrong?"}_

"No nothing like that.  Listen, I know its last minute and you don't have to do this if you don't want to but I thought maybe – if you want to – we could, um, have lunch and catch up?"

            There was a long pause.  An uneasy knot formed in her stomach.

            _{"I would like that.  How about this weekend?  Catharine will be gone.  You can come out to the house.  Can you make it for one?"}_

She was taken aback.  "Sure, how about I pick up some Chinese?  Do you still like veggie platter and egg rolls?"

            _{"Of course!  So, I will see you around one on Saturday?"}_

"Yeah, see you then."  She sighed, closed her eyes and rubbed her temples…what was she getting into?

**Because I don't know you anymore**

**I don't recognize this place**

**The picture frames have changed and so has your name**

She stood nervously on the front steps, a bag of take-out in one hand, the other knocking on the door.  

            "Hey Mac.  Right on time.  Come on in."  He moved aside to let her in.  As she walked though the house, she followed him like a reluctant shadow.  When they stopped by the nursery with its soft blue walls and airplane theme perfect for a little boy, her eyes misted over.  She lingered in the door frame, inhaling the scent of baby powder and formula, remembering what her own doctor had said to her last week.

            He noticed her pause, the quick wipe of the tears in her eyes so he suggested they go and eat in the living room.  He had tried his best to clean, she could tell, but there were still some odds and ends.  Baby toys and a play pen were in one corner, a stroller by the door.  She sat on the couch waiting for him to return with the food.  In the corner of her eye she spotted a wall lined with shelves of books and cds.  She studied his CD collection then the books, running her finger along the spines until she stopped on an old favorite of theirs.  She had mailed it to him when she heard of the wedding.  It was worn and faded, the corners of the yellowing pages folded over.  She opened the front cover and read what she had written him.  The ink was fading and some words were hard to read.  Not like it mattered anyway, she knew what was there; words etched into her memory.  She placed the book back among the others and was about to sit on the couch when her chocolate brown eyes spotted the pictures on the mantle above the fireplace.  Her mind drifted to dates and places, memories long forgotten with time.  Little AJ's christening, Bud and Harriet's wedding, both of them smiling into the camera in their desert BDUs after spending the night in the Afghani Mountains.  Mixed in were subtle hints of his life now.  A wedding picture showed its face as did the picture of his new son.  

            He walked back into the room and saw her looking at the pictures.  The silence was deafening so he went over to her, the food long forgotten.  

**We don't talk much anymore**

**We keep running from the pain**

**But what I wouldn't give to see your face again**

"I wish you could have come to the wedding.  Sturgis was my second choice for best man."

            She jumped at the sound of his voice.  "I couldn't do it.  I knew I made a mistake in Paraguay.  I just couldn't live up to what I said.  I know I broke your heart, I broke mine too."

**Spring time in the city **

**Always such relief from the winter freeze**

**The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean**

**Everyone's got an agenda**

**Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright**

**Can you believe what a year it's been? **

 "What about you and Clay?"

            She snorted through her nose.  "We're over.  We never had a beginning.  I couldn't give him my heart and he couldn't give me all of him so we ended it.  We were going to get married, have a family.  You know…the house, 2.5 kids and a dog.  Then everything went in a downward spiral.  I found out I couldn't conceive and he didn't want to adopt.  We were always fighting, always taking the assignments that would take us farther and farther away from each other.  It was two different personalities, two people who should not have done what we did.  I'm sorry I hurt him, but, you see, he hurt me too.  But I didn't come here to make you feel sorry for me, or to hurt you again.  Plain and simple – I miss you.  I wish we still could have been friends.  You were the only thing right in my life.  And I want to apologize.  I never meant to hurt you.  Please believe me.  So why don't we have lunch and maybe try to become friends again?"

**Are you still the same?**

**Has your opinion changed?**

**Cause I don't know you anymore**

**I don't recognize this place**

**The picture frames have changed and so has you name**

**We don't talk much anymore**

**We keep running from these sentences**

**But what I wouldn't give to see your face again**

            He looked at her and she could see the sympathy and hurt and regret in his eyes.

            "I always knew you would come to see me.  I just never knew when.  Let's eat."  

**I know I let you down**

**Again and again**

**I know I never really treated you right**

**I've paid the price**

**I'm still paying for it everyday**

They were getting there, slowly, when the cries of a baby came through the monitor.  Harm excused himself and returned a few minutes later with and infant cradled in the crook of his arm, still screaming.  

            "Can I hold him?"

            He was hesitant.  "Sure."  He handed over his son to Mac.  In an instant, he seemed to calm down.  Harm heard the garage opening, a signal that Catharine was home.  "Can you hold him while I go help Catharine?  I won't be long."

            Mac was singing to the baby, never taking her eyes off of him.  She nodded her head and continued what she was doing.  The baby, calmer now, was staring at her with the same blue eyes of his father.  

            Harm returned a minute later.  "Mac, I forgot that we were having a picnic tonight…"

            She stood, the baby still curled against her.  "That's ok…I should go anyway.  We should do this again soon ok?"  Just when they were making some progress.  There is always something in the way.  It never fails.  Life is always throwing them curve balls and they were forever striking out.

            He smiled, and shook his head.  "No, will you stay and join us?  It's just Bud and Harriet, Sturgis, AJ and Meredith.  Nothing fancy.  Besides, I think that Matt has grown fond of you."

            Mac looked up at him, her eyes wet with tears.  "Matt?  That's a beautiful name.  Are you sure you want me to stay?  Will Catharine be mad?"

            "No, she actually suggested it.  It seems that you are the only one who has been able to quiet him down."

**So maybe I shouldn't have called **

**Was it too soon to tell?**

**Oh what the hell, it doesn't really matter**

**How do you redefine some thing that never really had a name?**

**Has your opinion changed?**

She was sitting a little ways away from everyone, playing with Matt and Little AJ.  She was showing him how to hold the baby, seeing as Harriet was pregnant.  Harm was clearing the dishes with Meredith, after ordering his wife to lie down for a while.

            "She'll make a beautiful mother, don't you think so Harm?"

            "Yeah, she would have."

            Hours later, when everyone had gone home, Harm sat in his study, the infant-sized fighter jacket Mac bought for Matt in his hands.  The smoothness of the leather and the gentleness of the wool lining having a reassuring effect on him.  He realized that he and Mac didn't know each other, and probably never had.  Next time, he said to himself, we really catch up and not make idle small talk and civilized conversation.  The ink on the divorce papers wasn't even dry yet and he was already looking at the possibilities…

**Cause I don't know you anymore**

**I don't recognize this place**

**The picture frames have changed and so has you name**

**We don't talk much anymore **

**We keep running from the pain**

**But what I wouldn't give to see your face again**


End file.
